Gaia Community: tara's Blog

the internal bowlerhat

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:06:35 -0000

......what do you know by heart? what sort of things do you know by heart? songs? poems? stories? why have you memorized these things? If you could learn something new by heart, what would it be?

I think my heart is comfortably set up on a need to know basis & getting better at thinking on it's own by the day; I might be less than realistic but I like to believe that I can learn whatever I want by heart; A choice would be learning additional languages & to play the piano. I love words & the delight of knowing them in different lingos gives me great pleasure & the understanding of many lil tidbits here & there..

With the information age in place & most info within the reach of fingertips, I tend to no longer use up much of my internal ram space for storing stuff. I mostly remember by using an association technique, where the archives of my senses will be triggered by a word, image, color, sound, smell or a feeling. I am not likely to remember all of it, but enough to know where to look for the rest.. kinda like tagging I suppose, which means I'm hardly deliverable off hand in terms of completed chunks.

Apart from one poem that is, which I learned by heart. When I read that particular one, it stuck cuz it, yes, spoke to my heart, to the stage of life I was in at the time. I had just finished college and the world of adults was glaring me in the face; What to do, what to be (even scarier) & oh the expectations not to mention the sheer pressure of merely thinking about it, had me crumbling & running for cover.

   the sluggard

   impossible immense morning
   where one never gets out of bed
   or even close to its outskirts
   it is that far-flung
   the size of a county
   worming one's way
   underneath low hanging damp duvet
   single erring spermatozon
   has not the stamina to get there
   has to stop
   to breathe in air and courage
   no sweaty panic on the sheets now
   untried creases yet to follow
   no traffic to be concerned with
   one is expected out there by the boarder of duvet
   with questions, appointments, skids, ties,
   one is expected to wake up
   there is an obligation to dig a way out
   once a day
   and show up
   eat a little
   grow a little
   cue up and wait one's turn
   stretch
   bend
   sign something or dance
   take a stand
   learn a lesson
   lend a hand
   but I grow weary in my moves
   by all this duvet
   protruding in front of me like a glacier
   what propagates through down
   send out a felt like morse
   to impatiently tripping executives
   teachattering relatives
   educators on duty and creditors:
   I am alive but weakened in advance
   get a search going
   with radar, frogmen, st. bernhard dogs.

   benny andersen from: the internal bowlerhat

photo from flickr by Irene Suchocki

I'll see it when I believe it

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 08:55:58 -0000

......What is the most difficult thing for you to believe? Which of your beliefs is the most challenging for you? What do you have the hardest time believing in?

lies & limitations..

photo from flickr by jordan b. sach

human behavior

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 08:03:49 -0000

......what makes us human? what is it that makes us human beings? what differentiates humans from other creatures? where does our humanity come from?

   - the ability to understand the difference..



   Recently I was walking a dog along the beach. Once again, the sun was setting
   and the water turned burnt orange..I looked into the dog’s eyes, which were
   wondering when the ball would be coming their way. Delighted, I cried:
   Would you look at that beautiful sunset!.The dog just looked at me
   and said nothing. In his eyes I read: There’s a big difference
   between being happy and thinking that you’re happy.
   Tijn Touber

   ..& methinks Jeannie said it in the sublimest of ways :)

photo from flickr by frc green fransesca

a method to the madness

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 08:43:27 -0000

......who is the sanest person you know? sometimes it feels that the world we live in has gone slightly mad. If you sometimes wonder this, then what does it mean to be sane? do you know anyone who sees more clearly than the rest of us?

   Santa Claus. His choice of work presents the option
   of showing up in this crazy world just once a year
   where he gets to laugh a lot & bring many gifts.

   & this one thrown in for good measure..

walking free in harmony

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 09:56:25 -0000

what does it mean to be fearless?

- to me, it's when the amount of love exceeds the amount of fear in my mind..

If I wasn't afraid? ..let me rephrase:
If I was able to trust the universe 100%, that everything I need will be provided?
I would wander the earth, a moment at a time in absolute freedom & equanimity.

Is there a difference between fearlessness and recklessness?
Between being courageous and being foolhardy? - yes.

fearlessness = see up top.
being couragous = the ability to overrule one's feeling of fear.

recklessness = being in denial of one's fear i.e do stupid things (preferably with an audience) to prove to oneself that one is not afraid ..could also be an unconscious
death wish thang going on.

being foolhardy =

1. not being smart enough to evaluate the risk involved in a given venture & thus doing it.
2. being smart enough to evaluate the risk involved in a given venture & doing it anyway.

it doesn't matter

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 11:19:01 -0000

.....Is there anything for which you would give up your life? Some have said that those who have nothing to die for also have nothing for which to live; others hold life itself sacrosanct. Is there anything for which you would sacrifice your life? What are your feelings around those who would answer in the reverse?

-my death inevitably ..btw, I esp like them lil ones.

I can't say for sure about any other

possible scenarios, well obviously,
since I'm still here. All I do know
from experience is that allthough
my survival instinct is strong, I have

also instinctly thrown caution to the
wind in a heartbeat with no thought
of whether there would be a next,
to put my life on the line to save
another's. I quite like that paradox.

When applying intellect & knowledge
from my spiritual practice to answer
the question instead of mere instinct,

it seems to be possible only when I
relate it to attachment to living & or
fear in relation to dying.

I love living, every precious, changing,
impermanent moment of it. Life itself
is eternal & mine is a lil bit of stardust
twirling about, a parenthese in eternity.

So is dying, maybe something like
skipping a breath for the longest time.

It is interesting how much emphasis can be put on that tiny moment which is dying when comparing to the amount of time we humans spent on the complexities of living. I guess it has something to do with that fear of living is perhaps fear of dying. I believe that a life lived joyfully with a heart free of attachment is the prerequisite for dying peacefully. Then, bottomline is, it doesn't matter for what reason I give up my life.

And the not so litteral, as in giving up my life aka not living it to the fullest? - nothing.
And what would my feelings be around those answering in reverse? - as long as it is a concsious choice, accept & a lil sting of sadness thinking about those who live in fear of living.

i used my best quote on living & dying the other day, but I think this dude got a point too:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months floating & you finish off as an orgasm. george carlin

photo from flickr by sachavierny

gotta wear shades

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 12:05:30 -0000

.......How do you prepare for the unknown? When faced with an upcoming unknown, what do you do? Do you research and plan? Do you have any contemplative practices that help you center? Do you tend toward anxiety or stress? How do you react in the face of uncertainty?

What would I do when facing an upcoming unknown..that's kinda contradictory isn't it? If I knew about an upcoming unknown, wouldn't it cease to be unknown in the first place or could this be getting into flies fucking? I better go grap what seems to be right in my face like fx the rest of my life which supposedly is coming up. At least that's how I like to think of it. That one, I breathe into, a moment at a time, basking in the reality of change, jumping up & down with joy because I know that I do not know.

As such, it is not possible to prepare for the unknown. If trying to do so as an experiment of the mind, based on speculating, analyzing, thinking & presuming that one knows what will happen next. And the reason for doing so might just be based on fear of living..sure as heck ain't for the love of the moment. And yes, that kinda experimenting would rather likely make one tend toward anxiety & stress. Now, I could blabber on about this subject for the longest time if it weren't for the next unknown coming up.. yep, the sound of impatient lil toes tapping in the background is this moment getting in my face, eagerly awaiting me to get on with it. Besides, anything I could possibly come up with on the topic has been said already.. here's one I esp like:

Intelligent Practice always deals with just one thing: the fear at the base of human existence, the fear that I am not. And of course I am not, but the last thing I want to know is that. I am impermanence itself in a rapidly changing human form that appears solid. I fear to see what I am: an ever-changing energy field. I don't want to be that. So good practice is about fear. Fear takes the form of constantly thinking, speculating, analyzing, fantasizing. With all that activity we create a cloud to keep ourselves safe in make-believe practice.

True practice is not safe; it's anything but safe. But we don't like that, so we obsess with our feverish efforts to achieve our version of the personal dream. Such obsessive practice is itself just another cloud between ourselves and reality. The only thing that matters is seeing with an impersonal spotlight: seeing things as they really are. When the personal barrier drops away, why do we have to call it anything? We just live our lives. And when we die, we just die. No problem anywhere.

charlotte beck from everyday zen: love & work

& here's the original vid from the fab violent femmes..

photo from flickr by different perspective/jim henderson

talkabout a walkabout

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 11:49:46 -0000

.......We frequently make long trips by car or by plane, but what's the farthest you've been on your own steam? Did you walk the Appalachian Trail? Go on a multi-day bike tour or a cross-country ski trip? What's the furthest you've walked?

i'm not in the habit of bringing one of them counting my step thingies & can't say which one has been the farthest in terms of self steam. I did 50 km's of hærvejen when I was a child, that's probably the most accurate recording I've got at hand. Oh..I walked across corfu in the middle of the night in a drunken frenzy attemping to catch the ferry to athen early in the morning. I forget the breadth of the isle, vividly remember the hazzle of dragging my even drunker travel mate along & esp missing the boat by a few minutes.

It could be hiking in the highlands of scotland, just talked about that on the previous post, but since I was in my roleplay character shamara, maybe the walking can't be counted as mine? I once trekked through a mountain range in andalusia with the paraolympics team, one slow lil step at a time cuz them blokes are blind. It took the better part of a week, but felt like a lifetime; My utter lack of patience was put to the ultimate test. Had it not been for their sublime sense of humor putting me at high risk of falling off the mountain due to excessive laughing, I could likely have lost a fair bit of my marbles during that experience..

I did another one in albany, australia, which took about a minute, or so it seemed as I was racing my boyfriend at the time. We had a most interesting relationship, whatever we did together ended in competition & the three days on that mountain range is blurred by the strive to come closest to being the image of rambo. I say rambo as part of my preparation was to gulp down raw eggs for weeks prior in the attempt to boost some muscle endurance. Does running count? I did the fletcher marathon in the mountains around rotarura in new zealand & if I add the daily 10 km training runs, this might be the longest on my own steam. I was close to loosing my steam all together doing that one as I was coming down with a doublesided lung infection & nearly crashed kamikaze style shortly after..

The very farthest I've steamed or rather strayed as it is, would have to be what I refer to as the detour of/in my life.. Wandering about, not even knowing that I was lost as I had yet to find measures for comparison; I merely walked the trail my family had tramped down in front of me. Going through brain surgey 15 yrs ago made me stop in my tracks for the first time as I had to make minor adjustements in my lifestyle, i.e drinking less, giving up on diving & choosing another trade. Whilst studying graphic design for 4 yrs, living in a petite village with a slower pace, I was able to make space for engaging in observing myself.

I'm grateful this process took place in the flattest bit of denmark. Had I been on a mountain during this walk, the shockwaves from realizing that I was a stranger to myself would surely have kicked me right out of my socks. I'm still walking as it is, walking back to the heart of the matter through fear, joy, pain & delights. I've accidently taken the wrong turn a couple more times since, walking so fast I burned out & had to do a full stop for a bit. Finding my way is getting easier as I'm learning which signs to read & which to ignore. Walking back to me, being on this journey of the soul is taking me places I did not know existed.. the slower the pace, the further I seem to go.

a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
lao tzu

roles & being

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 07:43:56 -0000

.......when was the last time you acted? when did you last play a role, be it for a performance, for the sake of someone you cared about, for a job, or just to entertain--for fun? when did you last wear a mask? (either a real one, or pretend?) was it to let a part of yourself out, or to hide? what was it like?

This questione hits like a deja vu, I was just bloggin a bit on roles the other day.. One of them, the who I think I am is a role or more precisely a multifacetted event, like looking into a calejdoscope. A slight twist & the picture is altogether different. Toss in a bit of reaction & wow! yet another role, whether it is that of being a centered & matured adult with ripe opinions or the rather childlike rip of throwing a borderline tantrum.

Actions based on reactions might cause me to think this is who I am & your reaction to my action might cause you to think you know who I am. Well, I am that I am, roles & being blend into each other, creating a unique color with varying shades depending on the density of light shining on that color in any given moment; Causing the color to look like another.. It's not though.. it is the same color, just a different sound.

I used to role play. It's like method acting, taking on a different personality & or gender; making decisions based on different values, beliefs, temperament, skills & certainly looking very different. It's a great learning experience, as in learning about oneself. The me behind the role either keeps peeping through, wanting to have a say, or sighs with relief as hidden parts pops to the surface; Parts that may not have been needed or held in high regard in 'ordinary' life.

That said, I had no idea just how impossible it is to shoot rabbits with a bow & arrow.. I once left the me role behind & went trekking in the highlands as Shamara; All dressed in leather & rabbit's fur, sporting 150 waistlong braids & an attitude not to mess with. She was a hoot to take to the pub for a taste of the locals fav single malt. Shamara is a friend to this day. She will blend into the part of me that holds the warrior woman archetype when I need her to. Together we are invinceable. I let her do the drinking though.. she holds the liquor much better than I.

Now, I better not get started on the roles of archetypes & the phsychology on/within/behind the great great dramas one single person can perform in that concept, it could easily get a bit too somber for my current mode. I'll just say that when pondering my roles & being, listening to the sound of color, my inner pulse, is how I know me, the feeling that is I in the blend..

strike a pose

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:04:27 -0000

.......what is hanging in the balance? today is the autumnal equinox, when the sun is positioned directly over the earth's equator. what passages are you seeing? what thresholds are you stepping over? what hangs in the balance, in your life, and in the world as a whole? what is about to be?

   I hang in a balance between compromises without compromising my integrity
   and knowing that openness to vulnerability is the way to invulnerability

   I ponder how to strike a balance between her need for lies and mine for truth
   or stopping now to be my own woman more than my mothers daughter

   I contemplate my roles and my being and the balance in between
   who you think I am and who I think I am and who I am

   I now see the passage to the second half of my life
   passing the threshold of growing into me

   what is about to be?

   you are not the roles that you play.
   but you do play them, and they do have real consequences.
   rosy aronson in walking a fine line: being professional in the new age

my so[u]le secret

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 16:25:49 -0000

........what was the last secret you told? If it's still a secret, no need to share, but if you had a secret with an expiration date--a surprise for someone, for instance--what was it? And what was the outcome? And if you can't share, what was the reason for the secret, or why did you feel compelled to secrecy? What would happen if you told?

A secret is safe with me, I will not betray someone's trust in me. On the other hand, I am no priest and me no like when being aquired to be someone's conscience. The kind of secret where I am told the truth and others are lied to. I won't tell, but if I'm asked directly, I won't lie either. I can't lie. It hurts my integrity and I guess this means that I'm not really a 100% safe bet in the keeping a secret department.

I have an ambivalency towards secrets. Esp the dark ones, the ones kept under lock, not told because they come from a place of fear, shame and or guilt. And sometimes I feel it is the truths never told that are the most telling. The things staring you in the face although no one ever put words on it. The secrets we keep from ourselves about ourselves in the attempt to keep a part of us hidden from others as well.

I know those kinds of secrets are kept with the best of intentions, it is a way to protect ourselves. And the paradox is that it is in the hiding that vulnerability is created and the fear, shame and guilt becomes ever so persistent. A dark secret will eventually start nibbling on corners of one's soul, casting shadows, making it harder not to say impossible for the light to shine through.

I know some with dark secrets and it makes me sad to witness their shadows slowly and surely becoming most of what is them. Their brilliance, humanness, truth in the core of their being as well as the possibility of touching their hearts moves further and further away. Not just from me, but from themselves. And I wonder what there is to be afraid of, what is the worst that could happen if those secrets were told? Is the naked truth of who we are so scary that it needs to be hidden from our own hearts?

That said, I do have a secret. I have a secret garden filled with sacred flowers where each flower represents a part of me, all grown from the same seed which is the core of my being. I cultivate my garden carefully and lovingly and sometimes I add flowers from other seeds too. They are flowers in my heart, wonderful beings that help me shine my light by telling their truth, sharing themselves with me.

I smell the flowers, marvel at the mere sight of their beauty and share the lil bundles I get to pick. This is a special secret, a sacred one that cannot be told. It is still unfolding and I don't even know for sure if there is an end to the unfolding. I just have to wait and see and the suspense has me tickled giggly.

photo from flickr by saroach1

truth · love · reality

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:14:27 -0000

.........What is the difference between truth and fact? Is there a difference between something factual and something true? If so, what? How do you decide whether or not something is true?

   A fact is often proven in scientific ways and or based on empiric 'evidence'. It seems
   that my mind has been taught that a fact can sometimes be what the larger part of
   a group does & believes in. In that sense, a fact can be percieved as the truth.

   When based on what my mind percieves, I can never know for sure what truth is.
   I can inquire into mine and others truth with a curious, open mind and when
   witnessing this process, it is my truth that I can get ever so close to what
   is real. All perception is projection so truth is individual & no absolute.

   Change is the reality no matter what I percieve in any given moment.
   What's in my heart feels true and real and still changes influenced
   by my perception, degrees of attachment and of openness.
   Love in itself however, does not change. Love is real.

   In this sense I see no difference between truth & fact.

   there is nothing that isn't true if you believe it
   and nothing is true, believe it or not.
   byron katie

   photo from flickr

make me grin with your spin

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 12:02:16 -0000

It seems to me the world scene has gone into a selfspin these last couple of days. First, Putin played the provocateur with his pearl of conspirational thinking & did a Michael Moore on the world media to divert attention from his president's blunder. Then McCain spins out of control & decides to insult the intellect of half a nation. And a big bunch of folks watching from the other side of the world. The poor bugger is either beyond desperation, delusional about his life expectancy or maybe he is actually convinced that he & his Praline can pull the George stunt of being a big banana without being plugged in at all.

As if that wasn't enough to keep me choking on my coffee, my country's first lady is being put in play in the attempt to improve the ailing goodwill towards her husband. She excels by taking part in a gameshow 'crazy about dancing' & goes samba all the way dressed in bling & bingoarms. My head is spinning & the lil tibetan twirls I applied earlier ain't helping much.

Unfortunately it is unfair to make each personage responsible for their actions. It is blatant they have forgotten to apply common sense & the option went walkabout with the glorification of various spin doctors overrated ability to profile, analyse & manipulate with mass perception of events. I blame it on their entourage. Get a grip you spinners, I am not entertained.

oops.. embedding disabled.. watch vid here

perfect strangers

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 23:33:10 -0000

.........How do you feel about strangers? Do you like meeting new people? Do you tend to be shy or cautious around those you don't know, or do you welcome everyone as a potential friend? What suggestions would you have for those who might want to be your friend?

There are a lot of strangers out there, billions actually that i won't be able to relate to on a individual level. Strangers are people I haven't met & I like to think that strangers are friends I have yet to meet. And sometimes friends become strangers & sometimes some people stay estranged to themselves & me.

Do you like meeting new people?
Yes I do. Very much so. I'm fascinated with humans, how others percieve this calejdoscopic experience called life; What moves them, their passion, ideas, beliefs & dreams. I am sometimes able to look into the eyes of another person & immediately recognize our soul sameness. That rocks my boat big time. It even happens without eye contact, like here on gaia when sharing moments; The sense of connection, that we are in the same boat, the delight & despair in humanness.

Do you tend to be shy or cautious around those you don't know
or do you welcome everyone as a potential friend?
Nope. Not at all & yes I welcome everyone as a potential friend. That said, I'm highly perceptive & qua my training, knowledgeable of human behavior. I sense quickly if I have reason to be cautious aka in need of being protective of myself & my boundaries.

What suggestions would you have for those who might want to be your friend?
Be honest. Respect me & treat me well.

Do read Naumadd's reflection on this. It's sublime

photo from flickr by luigi lucarelli

the story of perambulators

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 14:18:02 -0000

   dawn divinest made up this great lil game of storytelling.
   what a joy indeed! the story begins with the first lines
   provided by dawn, a choice of words & the option of
   using her photos from midnight perambulations..
   click here to read more & play the game.

    [ in the red of passion ]

we began the migration with
anticipation & trepidation..
as well as a sense of solidarity.
we hummed an ancient
flying tune as we floated
together into the unknown
notes of powerful playing
within possibilities of perception.
floating still, thinking of hours
gone by, grasping the full extent
of singing, flying, crying, calling
your name.. tearing into the
deepest red of passion as we
fell fell further into a sensual
samana of tantric creation.
the door is open wide..wide
open now & I am left with
joyful butterflies playing
inside to the sound
of trumpets & pipers.
no lollygagging walk
no hand me down diamonds
of secondhand emotions
dressed up like the real thing.
no clutching to the tattered
old bag of flight plan b.
this is the radical reality
of authenticity, the reddest
red of instinctive loving hearts..

third eye observation

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 07:35:56 -0000

.......be still for a minute, and pay attention to what's around you (and what, of course, is alive within you). what is it, in this moment, that's bringing you joy?

the powerful potential within passionate perception..

photo from flickr

mind the gap

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 09:17:55 -0000

when the world gets to be a bit too much, what do you do to distract yourself?
what do you find tends to occupy your time when there's something else
you think you should be working on? what is your favorite distraction?

    my world is but a bit a bit of beauty by the moment
    my words are but a tap a tap of fingers talking
    <
    <
    <
    all is choice







     alt = everything
     sort sol = black sun

high life & confetti

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:08:32 -0000

........when was the last time you behaved out of character? What was the last time you did something uncharacteristic, or that surprised you? What was it like?

   - yesterday when impersonating some dogs.
   no surprise there, you get that on the big jobs.



    today's trivia:

    Hold nu Kay = stop now Kay.
    It is also a pun on hold nu kaje which means shut up in danish.
    pronounciation key: don't do the d.

my life as a dog

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:57:48 -0000

.......If you could finish the sentence, "I'm at the age where...", what would you say?

    I'm at the age where..

    some dogs could be thinking, fuck she is old.

I wish I was two dogs. I then could play with each other.   - storm p.

7 to 9 pick me uppers for everyday use

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 09:32:10 -0000

........what do you do or what do you think about or how do you cope when you're feeling low?

depends on the situation at hand & my dispositon in the mo...

1. the plan b approach: run off to barcelona and never look back

2. the emancipated approach: sit with it, feel the pain till it changes

3. the reframe aka near denial approach: think of folks who are worse off

4. the professional approach: shift of focus* till objectivity is back in place

5. the immature approach: pick bellybutton, sob, call friend & whine about it

6. the near panic approach: speeddialing therapist whilst popping them blue pills

7. the denial approach: note to self, deal with it tomorrow, then drink till oblivion occurs

* shift of focus can fx be done by listening to music & the occasional twirl when dancing..

    today's trivia:
    lykke li = happy in danish
    & lykke li is dancing at copenhagen central station