I stomped out of sunday school at the age of eight, resenting the notion that appearently I was born a sinner & Jesus died on the cross for my sake. I loved (& still do) the thought that I am a child of light & the love your fellow man like you love yourself bit, but the first bit of info took precedence. I haven't practiced any religion since & I'm not a member of the protestant church either. Of course my understanding of religion(s) has become vastly refined compared to when I was eight, my adult intellect has thoroughly studied the story of Jesus as well as comparing the need for prophets & a good story with other religions. It hasn't made wobble though, my decision still stands. I don't do religion, period.

I study religious scripts, viewing them as philosophy & essentials when it comes to understanding how & why we humans think & operate as we do. The wisdom in any religion is very much an ingrained part of our culture & our understanding of self. The power of religion is equally ingrained in our culture, how we choose to live (& love), the need to convince others of our convictions has found its best battlefield on the foundation of religion; As such, no matter to be taken lightly & certainly not one that can be dealt with by stomping out in a selfrighteous furry. The influence of religion is part of my conscioussness whether I believe to be a believer or not; I believe religion is deeply entwined in my comprehension of self, emotionally, sexually & intellectually. And deeply entwined in my comprehension of others & relationships, the moral & ethic codes we base relating on, as well as grasping the concept of seperateness & soul sameness.

God translates as love in my current understanding to keep it real simple, that notion is the basis for the mix of ideas in my head which makes me feel like a spiritual human being. I seek balanced & congruent being, freedom, equanimity & a peaceful existence. Any religion that asks of me to adhere to a certain practice of rituals whether it being the worshipping of gurus & or martyrs, confession of sins to control me with guilt, going bums up 5 times daily, the looming doom of bad karma or going to hell if I fuck up, comes across as selfcontradictory to me. How can god's love be all encompassing & unconditional when I'm told to do this & that to get my piece of the love cake? And if it is so that I am made in the image of god, one could argue that the piece of love cake is mine already or maybe a minor slip of the pen back in the day caused a grave misunderstanding. Could it be that being made in the image of god means that I am a piece of love cake & all I really have to do is to love myself to get the ball rolling & score a seat in heaven?

Basically I don't think I have to do anything other than what I want to do & being born into a religion is not something I would ever choose. Whichever way I contemplate that idea, I find it limiting arriving here in a box with specific labels & my anarchistic soul can easily fantasize about how swell it would/could be if absolute freedom to be human any which way, was to be the starting point; However, fantasizing being the operative word here, I have no actual facts to support that idea. Humans have come in labelled lil boxes for thousands of years & I can only ponder if it would at all be possible to operate intellectually with no reference points.

Would we be able to understand the concept of absolute freedom if it weren't for the opportunity to say no to one idea & yes to another? If we are indeed made in the image of God, I suspect we go about our business in God like ways & for us to know that we exist, we need reference points. Like mirroring ourselves in others, observing ourselves & being here  with the knowledge/remembrance of a there that used to be. Likewise, would God, the unmanifested, the creator be able to marvel at her creation with no reference points? I think not. I kinda like the idea of being a reference point, a divine lil piece of love cake & must add sprinkles of stardust cuz I kinda like the big bang idea too. Maybe it is a matter of preference more than reference. And maybe it mostly matters as a matter of mind more than a matter of practice.




blog title is a quote by albert einstein

arrogance, bad mouthing, bitches & bastards, copycats & cyberpaths, denial, dishonesty, emotional rigidity, fascisim, fear, fresh out of coffee in the morning, greed, hipocricy, ignorance, immature wine, 'I'm glad it's not me' & or 'I wish it was me' tv shows, limitations, mediocrity, my current gimp status & new haircut not to mention the color, one-upmanship, passive aggressiveness, people killing people, poor sex skills, prejudice & nonsupervised projections, racism, sexism, stupidity, the ridiculous amount of sport on tv, the who the fuck spent all my money? mystery which pops up right about this time of the month & my lack of acceptance with any of the above..

Fear has many faces, many layers, connections to real life situations & challenges & mostly to the illusory part of ourselves, the mind. Likewise, many different ways of dealing with fear & not dealing with fear. I'm real good at dealing with fear brought on by acute physical danger, I stay cool, calm & collected & I am able to act to protect myself. I've faced my own death & was blessed with a feeling of profound peace & acceptance. It has had me puzzled that fear of dying was not an issue when I began to realize that fear of living fully present was.

Facing that kind of fear at the base of my existence is the greatest challenge. Early trauma, the darkest side of my shadow & pure terror in deep layers of my personality, has had me paralysed for much more than merely minutes, deliberately numbed, screaming & kicking, running away & coming back. For every comeback a slice of insight follows. Occasionally even a lil quantum leap in understanding is thrown in as well. Intellectually I have grasped that I already have the answer, that I do know how to deal with fear. The profound peace I felt when facing death, had everything to do with accepting the fact that it was beyond my control & letting go. Even my ego got that & shut up for a bit.

The operative word from that experience being control, the fear of not being in control when whatever happens; Most interestingly, often something that is not even real but merely a construction in my mind. Doesn't make it feel any less real though; What paradox & I do love paradox like this one keeping me on my toes, making me dive into that layer of terror & scare myself shitless; I suspect till I get beyond illusion & experience the reality of peace when letting go.

    I want to know myself & understand human nature. Know the direct experience of
    reality & understand the concept of god. Ok that's 2-4 unknowns or so it seems.
    Maybe one cannot be grasped without the other. A closely entwined dance
    of serendipities & synchronicities offering an opening leading into the
    next question. Going with the flow in the movement reveals a new
    mystery, another unveiled layer to be explored. For every step,
    for every dance, passion deepens & curiosity prevails..

    I want to know this, knowing there is no one final answer.
    Wondering the wonder of wonders sets my intention,
    provides the direction for doing something I don't
    know how to do. I wonder about the meaning
    of life, is it a life of meaning? Maybe it is to
    be naked. The one who has been naked
    the longest, gets to know the secret.