I think my heart is comfortably set up on a need to know basis & getting better at thinking on it's own by the day; I might be less than realistic but I like to believe that I can learn whatever I want by heart;  A choice would be learning additional languages  & to play the piano. I love words & the delight of knowing them in different lingos gives me great pleasure & the understanding of many lil tidbits here & there..

With the information age in place & most info within the reach of fingertips, I tend to no longer use up much of my internal ram space for storing stuff. I mostly remember by using an association technique, where the archives of my senses will be triggered by a word, image, color, sound, smell or a feeling. I am not likely to remember all of it, but enough to know where to look for the rest.. kinda like tagging I suppose, which means I'm hardly deliverable off hand in terms of completed chunks.

Apart from one poem that is, which I learned by heart. When I read that particular one, it stuck cuz it, yes, spoke to my heart, to the stage of life I was in at the time. I had just finished college and the world of adults was glaring me in the face; What to do, what to be (even scarier) & oh the expectations not to mention the sheer pressure of merely thinking about it, had me crumbling & running for cover.

I can't say for sure about any other

also instinctly thrown caution to the
wind in a heartbeat with no thought
of whether there would be a next,
to put my life on the line to save
another's. I quite like that paradox.


When applying intellect & knowledge
from my spiritual practice to answer
the question instead of mere instinct,

So is dying, maybe something like
skipping a breath for the longest time.

And the not so litteral, as in giving up my life aka not living it to the fullest?  - nothing.
And what would my feelings be around those answering in reverse? - as long as it is a concsious choice, accept & a lil sting of sadness thinking about those who live in fear of living.


i used my best quote on living & dying the other day, but I think this dude got a point too:

What would I do when facing an upcoming unknown..that's kinda contradictory isn't it? If I knew about an upcoming unknown, wouldn't it cease to be unknown in the first place or could this be getting into flies fucking? I better go grap what seems to be right in my face like fx the rest of my life which supposedly is coming up. At least that's how I like to think of it. That one, I breathe into, a moment at a time, basking in the reality of change, jumping up & down with joy because I know that I do not know.


As such, it is not possible to prepare for the unknown. If trying to do so as an experiment of the mind, based on speculating, analyzing, thinking & presuming that one knows what will happen next. And the reason for doing so might just be based on fear of living..sure as heck ain't for the love of the moment. And yes, that kinda experimenting would rather likely make one tend toward anxiety & stress. Now, I could blabber on about this subject for the longest time if it weren't for the next unknown coming up.. yep, the sound of impatient lil toes tapping in the background is this moment getting in my face, eagerly awaiting me to get on with it. Besides, anything I could possibly come up with on the topic has been said already.. here's one I esp like:


Intelligent Practice always deals with just one thing: the fear at the base of human existence, the fear that I am not. And of course I am not, but the last thing I want to know is that. I am impermanence itself in a rapidly changing human form that appears solid. I fear to see what I am: an ever-changing energy field. I don't want to be that. So good practice is about fear. Fear takes the form of constantly thinking, speculating, analyzing, fantasizing. With all that activity we create a cloud to keep ourselves safe in make-believe practice.

True practice is not safe; it's anything but safe. But we don't like that, so we obsess with our feverish efforts to achieve our version of the personal dream. Such obsessive practice is itself just another cloud between ourselves and reality. The only thing that matters is seeing with an impersonal spotlight: seeing things as they really are. When the personal barrier drops away, why do we have to call it anything? We just live our lives. And when we die, we just die. No problem anywhere.

i'm not in the habit of bringing one of them counting my step thingies & can't say which one has been the farthest in terms of self steam. I did 50 km's of hærvejen when I was a child, that's probably the most accurate recording I've got at hand. Oh..I walked across corfu in the middle of the night in a drunken frenzy attemping to catch the ferry to athen early in the morning. I forget the breadth of the isle, vividly remember the hazzle of dragging my even drunker travel mate along & esp missing the boat by a few minutes.

It could be hiking in the highlands of scotland, just talked about that on the previous post, but since I was in my roleplay character shamara, maybe the walking can't be counted as mine? I once trekked through a mountain range in andalusia with the paraolympics team, one slow lil step at a time cuz them blokes are blind. It took the better part of a week, but felt like a lifetime; My utter lack of patience was put to the ultimate test. Had it not been for their sublime sense of humor putting me at high risk of falling off the mountain due to excessive laughing, I could likely have lost a fair bit of my marbles during that experience..

I did another one in albany, australia, which took about a minute, or so it seemed as I was racing my boyfriend at the time. We had a most interesting relationship, whatever we did together ended in competition & the three days on that mountain range is blurred by the strive to come closest to being the image of rambo. I say rambo as part of my preparation was to gulp down raw eggs for weeks prior in the attempt to boost some muscle endurance. Does running count? I did the fletcher marathon in the mountains around rotarura in new zealand & if I add the daily 10 km training runs, this might be the longest on my own steam. I was close to loosing my steam all together doing that one as I was coming down with a doublesided lung infection & nearly crashed kamikaze style shortly after..

The very farthest I've steamed or rather strayed as it is, would have to be what I refer to as the detour of/in my life.. Wandering about, not even knowing that I was lost as I had yet to find measures for comparison; I merely walked the trail my family had tramped down in front of me. Going through brain surgey 15 yrs ago made me stop in my tracks for the first time as I had to make minor adjustements in my lifestyle, i.e drinking less, giving up on diving & choosing another trade. Whilst studying graphic design for 4 yrs, living in a petite village with a slower pace, I was able to make space for engaging in observing myself.

I'm grateful this process took place in the flattest bit of denmark. Had I been on a mountain during this walk, the shockwaves from realizing that I was a stranger to myself would surely have kicked me right out of my socks. I'm still walking as it is, walking back to the heart of the matter through fear, joy, pain & delights. I've accidently taken the wrong turn a couple more times since, walking so fast I burned out & had to do a full stop for a bit. Finding my way is getting easier as I'm learning which signs to read & which to ignore. Walking back to me, being on this journey of the soul is taking me places I did not know existed.. the slower the pace, the further I seem to go.

This questione hits like a deja vu, I was just bloggin a bit on roles the other day.. One of them, the who I think I am is a role or more precisely a multifacetted event, like looking into a calejdoscope. A slight twist & the picture is altogether different. Toss in a bit of reaction & wow! yet another role, whether it is that of being a centered & matured adult with ripe opinions or the rather childlike rip of throwing a borderline tantrum.

Actions based on reactions might cause me to think this is who I am & your reaction to my action might cause you to think you know who I am. Well, I am that I am, roles & being blend into each other, creating a unique color with varying shades depending on the density of light shining on that color in any given moment;  Causing the color to look like another.. It's not though.. it is the same color,  just a different sound.

I used to role play. It's like method acting, taking on a different personality & or gender;  making decisions based on different values, beliefs, temperament, skills & certainly looking very different. It's a great learning experience, as in learning about oneself. The me behind the role either keeps peeping through, wanting to have a say, or sighs with relief as hidden parts pops to the surface; Parts that may not have been needed or held in high regard in 'ordinary' life.

That said, I had no idea just how impossible it is to shoot rabbits with a bow & arrow.. I once left the me role behind & went trekking in the highlands as Shamara; All dressed in leather & rabbit's fur, sporting 150 waistlong braids & an attitude not to mess with. She was a hoot to take to the pub for a taste of the locals fav single malt. Shamara is a friend to this day. She will blend into the part of me that holds the warrior woman archetype when I need her to. Together we are invinceable. I let her do the drinking though.. she holds the liquor much better than I.

Now, I better not get started on the roles of archetypes & the phsychology on/within/behind the great great dramas one single person can perform in that concept, it could easily get a bit too somber for my current mode. I'll just say that when pondering my roles & being, listening to the sound of color, my inner pulse, is how I know me, the feeling that is I in the blend..